One year later
The simple thing to say is that after a year that my heart is still broken. But, I can't.
The Corrs - Heart Like A Wheel
The worst time was the night after Pam died. That was when it felt that my heart had shattered and could never be mended. But, there were the kids and they kept me from feeling that all wasn't lost and that there would be more time. That there would be a time to heal. The year has gone too quickly.
One would have expected to have experienced at least one cathartic moment during the past year. But, that catharsis has not occurred. I believe that I am a victim of the current times. That I expect the quick and neat solutions that are common and much present in the literature, movies, and television of today. But, real life is too intricate for such trite conclusions.
Sarah McLachlan - In the Arms of an Angel
The Whole World is different not because of Pam’s death. The Whole World changed for me when Pam and I became a couple. That union, that event pre-dated any formal engagement or even the wedding ceremony. Both the engagement and wedding are but the public acknowledgement of the private and even sacred commitment that two loving people share when they love one another. That I love Pam there is no doubt. (And there is a part of me that will always yearn for her. As the song says "I don’t know much . . . but I Know I Love You ".)
This writing is not a remembrance of lost love. That love continues. This is a commitment to renewed Hope and a prayer for strength in the challenges that lay ahead. Pray for the kids and myself as we solider on and enter a new year.
Pam would be so proud of all her Children. (And I hope she would be proud of me as well. Pam was the better parent and in many things Pam did her jobs and duties as Mother far better then I am doing now as the Kids’ Father.)
